All aboard!
I always envisioned a Christian Woman as being… perfect; they always dressed nice, always behaved nicely, always smiled, and greeted others; they were all like my Aunt, who is a pretty cool person, but when I was a kid, she seemed like someone I could never be, I couldn’t hold myself up to her standards. Even today, I feel like I can’t be like her. Many times, I felt like I just didn’t hit the mark when it came to being a Christian. It was to the point that I didn’t even call myself a “Christian” but said I was spiritual, I believed, but I didn’t practice or understand it. It wasn’t a great place to be, at least looking back on it now. If I have piqued your interest so far, climb aboard, join this train, and take a journey with me to unpack my messy Christian story.
It is about 2011, I was trying to get back into going to church, god, and the bible. I started my journey at the same church as the Aunt mentioned above. I had a hard time with this church as I didn’t understand a lot of it due to not knowing much scripture, and later on, I would come to find I couldn’t connect with the message because it was told in a way to fear life, vs. learning to love and disciple people. But while in church, another key reason for me backsliding dramatically was I would immediately fall asleep during the sermon, sometimes mid-worship! It was insane, and for the longest time, I couldn’t prevent it; coffee didn’t help, cold air didn’t help, the heat of the summer didn’t help, mint gum, sipping water when I got tired didn’t help, I couldn’t find anything to keep me awake. I felt ashamed that I had fallen asleep regularly, that I didn’t understand the message to be able to use it in my own life, and that I had nothing to encourage me to go to church and learn the word. I had no one discipling me; back then, I didn’t know that was a thing, a need to be honest; I had no clue how vital fellowship was! All I knew was that I couldn’t keep my eyes open long enough to hear a sermon, nor could I understand or retain the information, and it made me feel ashamed. All I knew was I left church feeling doomed vs. hopeful and full of faith. But within that shame, I had decided over the years that I just knew enough and knew how to be a good person; I was in an “I know it all” mindset even though I definitely didn’t know it all and still don’t. I thought if I knew Jesus, and I prayed, and I was a decent human, that was all that mattered; he loved me, and what more could matter?
Another key ingredient to my backsliding, which I recently learned about in church, was I didn’t take time to read the bible; I would look things up as they came along if needed. Did I remember them, though? No, I did not. I could remember 30-plus kids’ schedules when staff has appointments, but I can’t remember verses in the bible or main stories correctly; eventually I hit a point in my life that this began to unfold, but where I was in life, it wasn’t an option. Either way, I felt like a bad Christian, hence calling myself spiritual; Heck, I couldn’t even keep my eyes open through a sermon! Now fast track to 2018, and I find out that I have an allergy to Wheat; one of the side effects is it makes me drowsy, and my energy level plummets, so that explains why I couldn’t stay awake in church. It also explains how I fell asleep in my classes after lunch in high school. DANG YOU WHEAT!!! Who would have thunk it! Anyway, in 2021, I was asked by a dear friend to go to church with her. She was expecting me to say no, her husband was expecting me to say no, and I said YES! I went with her to the Christmas celebration and thoroughly enjoyed myself. I started going biweekly with her and then weekly on my own. In June 2022, I gave my life to Christ because I had finally found a church home where I felt comfortable and could stay engaged, and I was learning and growing in Christ. I had brought a few friends to church with me but never made friends; it was daunting most of the time. Recently, I met someone who helped me want more, learn more, and know more. I finally hungered for Christ and began to read the Bible and absorb its teachings. Even though I felt I wasn’t knowledgeable in the matter. Then, in the midst of fasting to ensure I truly loved my boyfriend, I fully accepted that I am a Messy Christian, and the idea to start this blog was planted. So, if you have made it to the bottom of this message and are still interested in learning about Where I came from, how I got here, and my crazy love story where I fell in love with God, myself, and my boyfriend, then climb aboard this hot mess express and enjoy the journey!